i get well to find out luke moved in his g/f rachel into the apartment who is a horrid slob without telling...talking...asking me....monday tom is comming with me over to make sure i have a male backing...this does not bode well...so im looking for a 300 somthing cute studio already that i can have to myself and bring the pooch and im using this as my out...she lives across the street there is no reason he had to move her in unless 1.they want me out...or 2. they found a place and are already doing paper work and bailing...this is the second time he went behind my back ...i cant live with a roomate i cant trust him not to bail of screw me over and i have to watch my back every day simple as that....

but im taking a good lessen from this...one how to handle this situation on my own...to find an apartment on my own (i never had to look for the current place) and to be completly on my own while out there...if this happens im going to leave on friendly terms and ill look forward to not cleaning after somone and being ion bonnie and bonnie only space ^_^...i definatly think this is a life lessen i have to learn and im taking it so

im also working more on my self image which i know is my last big baggage task...ugh the one that all the bad events fester down too and effect..i have the dates for my braces to come off and my bridgwork to be done starting in early may *MAYJOR DAJAVU OMFG* through mid june so i know that will help alot..getting my haircolor finally right by then will help ...no more rashyness is nice and im healing...of course this all minor stuff......i need to come to grips no one sees my bad health reflected in my no chest but me....that im not broken or less because of it....*sigh*ive rejected that i was female for so long i want to embrace it and i look in the mirror and i dont see somone who looks female ....i hope through the face stuff and my skin healing from 4 mounths of allergic reaction and ill patiently make my hair softer ect by then i perhaps can be real proud of my face...and be happy...im thinking i may ^_^.....and then ill treat myself to that bathing suit and a fun camp trip and ill live in that suit and the water until im comfy and happy

well i did this for those of you more interested in the day to day meanderings of me ...mainly a few friends..i am unsure how often i will updat this but we shall sere...im mildly annoyed my origional name was taken but be that as it may....

today is one of those just vexing days where nothign seems to go its way and all before a big trip or event..the one in question being my trip to NYC...ive of course found ways around all these mild irritations...i hope to gain much from this trip...see friend s i havent seen in so long..or some ive spoken too for years and never met liek charles ....im hoping to impress george rivers and marc enough to want to work with me next im down and i have hopfully a shoot with bebars while down there..i think my stress derrives form so many things i need to do and people i need to make a good impression on ..i however proomised myself apon my return i would take a week to myself for REAL vacation and draw ect ect

on a more personal note romantically there is still no man creature...i would like the companionship that i once had with stephen..and according to some sources will one day have again but thats another matter entirely...course a few have "liked" ...one did because i said no which apparently hes never had befroe and when he realized i meant ti and wouldnt put up with drama attention grabs....decided to leave..then didnt own up on it..so i left for him...now to much my relief of constantly evading in a polite manner lines said in all seriousness "you know what would look good on you?? my last name." i tried to be nice and hoped he would grow out of it..i tried for a year and a half to no avail almost 2 years..i guess it takes that long to wear on my patience....the one i was rather fond of and though had a shot well...wasnt interested...which i see was for the better..i dated an athiest once who didnt have the maturity to know what respect for others belifs meant and i dont care to get into another relationship just the same....plus as much as i dont wish to admit it....half his appeal was that he was so reminisent of stephen and i know that to be wronge on its lonesome...i think all in all the only hurt that came from it was the traditional "your not worth it nor good enough" epilogue of thoughts...especially when said boy shows interest in somone who ...well....last time a friend of mine had a g/f like that ...she blew a guy in every state she traveled to model in and fucked a guy in his bed ...course..i could be wronge...i hope i am for his sake...i do get protective over my friends ....i think one other is interested though i do not share the romantic interest...sweet but not enough a kindred spirit i think


as some of you know i am hard to be close to..thats why i let so few near me in earnest...im a workaholic out of fear if im not nothing good will ever happen to me in any sense of the word....i go from complete icey independence to a night of lone struck sickness for a man for all i know could be dead or never existed in the first place...i guess ill know by summer...thankfully as of late its been the first rather then the second...which suits me just fine for the time being...i have planned for the what ifs of either way my life leads me....thankfully ive been focusing more on my spirituality in the meantime and myself...fixing my life to be the best it can be with the circumstances given....hopeing that i might provide a lift for others and find myself worth the few blessings in which i hope for ...what are those?...well...a woman has to have some secrets of her own


i find myself tired more these days...perhaps its general exhaughstion...perhaps its my ever threatening health ...i dont know but i lost enough time already...i wont stop as long as i can get out of bed ...if nothing interseeds...ill finish my dental school...be hopfully one of themore known models on the goth circut..without taking my clothes off....be fixed up internally as well as externally....have a place with my dog ...a good car and a bike ...thats what i hope will be 1 1/2 years form now(assuming somthing doesnt interseed...i have a few good notions as well as bad)

i think today is a fog....misted with seeds of hope and anger ...odd combination i know but they seem more often then not to go hand in hand ...hope that the oracle is right that this all had a purpose and i will get what was promised..a husband...and a life with him......anger that for all that has happened i know the feeling of so little.....and watching whores get everything on a silver plate for showing off not even what god gave them but a talanted seurgen.....are men truley and purely that carnal?? surely not i know....but ive seen it have more sway on thier minds as well as pricks to know better then to believe them when they deny it ...at least wholey